“What’s an Oprah?”

My son doesn’t know who Oprah is, you guys. I was reading something last night about her 2014 list of Favorite Things, and he asked what I was looking at, and, well, he doesn’t know who Oprah is. He’s five. It’s a post-Oprah world.

I like Oprah. I feel the same affinity towards her that I feel towards all most* fat women in media. I have forgiven her for making me afraid of butter and beef, for the hours spent reading Book Club selections when I should have been studying, and for the career of Dr. Oz, but not Dr. Phil. She also has great clothes.

Oprah’s Favorite Things aren’t really that fun anymore. No one gets them for free, I don’t think. Maybe O Magazine gives some of them away. I don’t know. I don’t read it.

There are 72 “things” on the list and I want nothing to do with 71 of them. Most of them are things that Oprah makes money from, so grains of artisanal truffle salt all around.

If you have ten minutes to kill, flip through the rather pedestrian slideshow to see them all. Here are some that stuck out for me.

This is a box that costs $250. You can put your glasses in it.

These dog beds come in a variety of sizes, at price points ranging from $445 to $710. They are hypoallergenic, which is great, but my dog isn’t, so who cares.

These cruelty-free nail polishes are $16 each before Oprah-discount, which is not that crazy. But what Oprah has to say about them is: “Leave the trendy colors to the teens.” Haha!!! I don’t think so. I only learned how to paint my nails without making a mess within the last ten years, and when I was a teen we had to make our own trendy colours with liquid paper and permanent marker.

This is a box of “Gathered Truths” that costs $85. Oprah really wants you to have it. I propose we make our own. You send me your truths, and I’ll gather them. I’ll start: “Even if you cannot find the Q-Tip you know you dropped on the floor, the dog will. And he will eat it.”

This is a $130 popcorn maker. It makes popcorn. You know what else makes popcorn? A pot on your stove. Or a paper bag in your microwave. You can make your own popcorn and still eat it like Oprah: “My favorite is a blend of truffle oil, truffle butter and truffle salt.” Oh, come on!

This is a loaf of sourdough bread that weighs 15 pounds. It can be yours for $150. That’s $10 a pound. For bread.

And finally, the one thing I am sort of into:

Deck the halls with mini filled bagel balls.

*Not all. I forgot about Paula Deen. And others, I’m sure.